True Story #21

Posted 03.08.2009

I still remember that week-long horror of a rollercoaster ride when my then-fiance found out she was pregnant, when she asked if I'd like to do the nursery in a Warner Brother's theme or Disney. My first thought was… "Oh NO! NO!!!!!!" I was terrified. I regretted immediately that conversation we had at the very beginning of our relationship – that we would never get an abortion should she ever become pregnant. Now I was stuck. I wanted an escape hatch. I wanted out... ANY way out. Although I said I would support her, I was unconsciously trying to find that escape hatch.

Telling my parents was hard, with my father exhorting us to remain true and to have the baby, my mom crying, not knowing "whether to be happy or sad" for us. Her parents were worse. After we told them her father demanded that we "take care of this" because he didn't want there to be unseemly appearances in his family. That was it - I had found the escape hatch I wanted. I didn't know that I had done so at the time – I would argue fiercely with him before we left. However, once we were alone, I subtly pulled a switch-a-roo on my fiance, and started gently emphasizing her father's positions – What would everyone say, are we really ready for this, what about the wedding, what about our plans? I didn't think of the baby... not really. Not then. I was in a panic and I wanted OUT and that is the way I was playing it.

I don't remember how I finally changed her mind - it took about a week, but I did it. I remember being with her at the clinic, with one of her friends, smoking outside. I was worried there would be protesters, but there weren't. I remember driving her home thinking "Thank God it's over!"

The child would be about 13 to 14 years old now. When I look at our two children, I know there ought to be three. I don't know if it was a boy or a girl. I keep thinking it was a girl, probably over the guilt because she had wanted one so badly. Although I still struggle with depression and guilt, I eventually found my way back to the Church and sobriety. My wife has not been ready to take that step. And so I must continue to try and help bear that burden for her, not to judge her, and try and be a beacon for my wounded soulmate to make up for the crucial time I failed her.

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