Reclaiming Fatherhood

A Multifaceted Examination of Men Dealing with Abortion

Posted 12.08.2007

On November 28th and 29th, 2007, a historic event occurred. The Archdiocese of San Francisco and the Knights of Columbus co-sponsored the first-ever "Reclaiming Fatherhood" conference at St. Mary's Cathedral in San Francisco. This event, organized by Vicki Thorn of the National Office of Post-Abortion Reconciliation and Healing (NOPARH), was specifically designed to address the issue of men and abortion. Nearly 200 people attended the conference, 9 countries were represented and the speakers included experts from various backgrounds. Topics included 4 real-life testimonies of fathers, research efforts and results, men's involvement and response to abortion, forgiveness, spirituality, and the grief and healing process.

According to Supreme Knight Carl Anderson, "As an organization of lay men that has a strong history and commitment to life, we think it is very important to highlight the issues faced by those fathers whose children are aborted." He proceeded to say that "There are three victims of every abortion, the child and both of his or her parents, and it is our hope that this conference will be the beginning of a ministry within the Church to these fathers, who grieve the death of their unborn child in isolation and silence." Vicky Thorn adds, "A man's grief often is for the lost fatherhood. There is grief for the child, but many times it focuses more on the loss within himself, that he didn't make the transition into fatherhood."

There have been several cases before the Supreme Court which have denied men from having any rights regarding their unborn children. The famous Roe v Wade case in 1973 legalized abortion and guaranteed the right to privacy for women. In 1992, Planned Parenthood v Casey denied husbands from having any right in their spouse's abortion decision. Dr. Vincent Rue, one of the speakers at the conference, says there is a double-standard. If a woman chooses motherhood, men are obligated to 18 years of child support. If the man promotes abortion for his partner, it is typified as coercion and selfishness. When the woman chooses abortion, it is the exclamation of women's rights and the man typically shoulders the bulk of the financial costs, even if he objects to the abortion (Rue, V.M. 1986. Forgotten Fathers: Men and Abortion. Toronto: Life Cycle Books). He refers to it as "aborting equality".

The end result is a culture where men are confused about their role as a provider. The little bit of research that has been conducted has shown that most men feel they must submit to and support their partner's decision and hide their true feelings before and after an abortion. Emotional suppression can then lead to anger, mistrust, grief, depression, anxiety, isolation, sexual dysfunction, substance abuse and a host of other symptoms that are common in post-abortion men. Unfortunately, it is hard for most men to admit they are suffering from an abortion experience. For that reason, many never seek the help they so desperately need. In his book, "Fatherhood Aborted," the late Guy Condon writes "Most men don't like to 'make a big issue' of things, especially intimate matters. But in burying an event as enormous as an abortion, men sentence themselves to an isolation that keeps them from healing and moving on." (Condon, G. & Hazard, D. 2001, Fatherhood Aborted. Illinois: Tyndale House).

That is why this conference was so significant. First, it helped create awareness that abortion can and does have an impact on men... they are the third victim of abortion. Second, it helped educate and train counselors and clergy on how to identify and approach these men. Third, it may help men realize they are not alone and that there is help available to them. Vicki Thorn believes the conference will "open the door for those who are hurting and looking for help." It is important to remember that for every woman who gets an abortion, another man has lost his fatherhood… that's over a million every year.

Visit the conference web site for additional information at MenAndAbortion.info.

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