Helping Men Who Have Been Hurt by Abortion

by C.T. Coyle, Ph.D.

Men are often not acknowledged as having experienced a loss after abortion. This may leave them confused about their emotional reactions to abortion and make them disinclined to seek the help they need to resolve their grief. However, without appropriate help, these men are likely to repress or deny their feelings and suffer in silence.

Raising Awareness

Therefore, the first step in helping these men is to raise awareness among the men themselves that their loss is real and needs to be grieved. There is no doubt that abortion results in loss. For men, this loss often takes many forms. The loss of a child is the most obvious but men may also experience the loss of a relationship and of their dreams for the future. Their masculinity may be diminished by abortion as they are prevented from acting on their natural and healthy desire to protect those they love. As long as society fails to appreciate this, men will be perplexed about the intensity of their emotional reactions to abortion. When their grief is validated and affirmed as normal and healthy, they will be more likely to work toward healing.

Active Listening

The importance of simply listening to the men’s stories cannot be overemphasized. Active, non-judgmental listening gives them permission and affirmation. It is an expression of empathy, compassion, and acceptance. Those who counsel post-abortion men should be careful about giving advice and should instead allow the men to go at their own pace as they recount their experiences. Only after fully hearing the client should the counselor take a more active role in encouraging or advising.

Problem-Solving

After building trust by listening and affirming a man’s individual experience, a counselor may begin to help him problem-solve. Several areas are likely to be problematic for post-abortion men and need to be dealt with constructively through mutual problem-solving. These areas include: anger, helplessness, anxiety, relationship issues, guilt, and/or grief.

Problem-solving may be facilitated through open-ended questions (e.g. “What is your greatest fear or struggle since the abortion?” “How might you approach a new relationship?”), activities that allow the safe ventilation of emotions (e.g. writing a letter to the person he blames for the abortion that will not be sent or a letter to God asking for forgiveness), and tangible expressions of grief (e.g. naming the unborn child or providing a memorial to the unborn child). Men who are allowed and encouraged to participate in problem-solving are more likely to regain a sense of control over their lives and themselves. This is essential in terms of reducing their feelings of anxiety and helplessness.

Forgiveness

As men work through their emotions and make progress in solving the problems they’re struggling with, they may become more open to discussions about forgiveness. When the topic of forgiveness is raised, it must be done with clarity and sensitivity. Forgiveness must be clearly defined and differentiated from excusing or reconciliation. Forgiveness is a decision to offer mercy to one who doesn’t deserve it. It is not excusing the one who has done wrong. If we excuse the person who hurt us, then there is nothing to forgive. Forgiveness is also not reconciliation. We can forgive one who has hurt us but choose not to remain in a relationship with that person especially if staying in the relationship would bring further harm.

Those men who struggle with anger may be helped to see that forgiving others they blame for the abortion will ultimately bring them release from the subtle control of those who have hurt them. Likewise, those men who blame themselves may realize that only by forgiving themselves will they experience freedom from self-condemnation. A consistent report from both men and women is that receiving forgiveness from God brings healing after abortion.

It is very important for the counselor and the post-abortion man to remember that forgiveness is a difficult process that takes time and patience. Genuine forgiveness is not simply a matter of deciding to forgive. It involves tremendous work by both the head and the heart. When achieved, forgiveness brings many benefits and numerous research studies have documented the psychological healing that accompanies forgiveness.

Issues Related to Counseling

There are some specific issues regarding post-abortion counseling that may be useful to consider. These issues include the following:

Assessing the Severity of Symptoms

Initially, a critical area that the counselor needs to attend to has to do with whether the client is a danger to himself or others. If the client is suicidal or at risk of harming another, then he should immediately be referred to an appropriate professional.

Over Identification

Since many counselors have experienced abortion themselves, they need to be careful not to over identify with those they counsel. When counselors over identify with their clients, they are likely to interpret what their clients say in a subjective and inaccurate way. It is important for counselors to remain objective and to recognize that each man has his own unique story.

Assumption of a Rigid Pattern of Symptoms

Similarly, counselors should be cautious in assuming that all post-abortion men struggle with the same problems following abortion. While the limited research available suggests that these men experience similar problems, counselors must recognize each client’s individuality and his personal way of dealing with loss. Active listening will prevent erroneous assumptions and enable the counselor to ‘hear’ which problems are most important to the client.

Assuming an Individual has an Abortion in his Past

Assuming that anyone who demonstrates a certain pattern of symptoms must have had an abortion is simply not scientific and hurts the pro-life cause. Many forms of loss and trauma can result in similar symptoms.

Applying the ‘Female-Model’ to Men

The application of the ‘female-model’ when counseling men has some limitations. It may be helpful for the counselor to consider how questions are phrased when working with men. For example, asking a male client what he “thinks” about something may be less intimidating than asking him how he “feels” about something. The scientific study of men in the context of psychotherapy is relatively new and there is still much to be learned. As more programs for men are developed and evaluated, volunteer counselors will have more ‘male-specific’ models at their disposal.

Healing Programs

Many crisis pregnancy centers now offer counseling using Bible studies or other structured programs developed specifically for post-abortion men. Men should feel free to ask what programs are used and who facilitates those programs. Most men are also going to be concerned about the time commitment, self-disclosure requirements, and confidentiality issues. These programs are typically not longer than 12 weeks. Men are not required to share any more information than they choose and counselors are committed to maintaining confidentiality.

More recently, the week-end retreat model has also been used with men. While this model certainly has therapeutic value, participants should be cautioned to pay attention to their emotions over time. In one week-end, a good deal of work can be done. However, it is done in a supportive environment and going back to the ‘real’ world may be a bit of a shock. A man may need some follow-up work or involvement in another program in order to maintain the benefits obtained from the therapeutic retreat.

Regardless of the program men choose and even after significant healing takes place, there may be some pain that remains. A man may complete a program and believe he is healed and then experience an event that causes him to remember the abortion and feel great sadness. This does not necessarily imply that he hasn’t healed. After a great loss, there may always be some residual grief concerning that loss. Each case is best evaluated individually to determine if further counseling may be beneficial.

Conclusion

In recent years, more men have come forward to publicly share their stories and thus raise awareness concerning the effects of abortion on men. As awareness of this issue increases, more men will decide to work on resolving their pain. As they succeed in doing so, many of those men will pass on what they have learned by ministering to still other men. That is the purpose of this organization. It is a great beginning of what will hopefully be a new era in which men will be affirmed, masculinity will be respected, and post-abortion men will find hope and healing.

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