Healing Vines

by Jason Baier

For the ten years following the loss of my child to abortion, I’ve worked very hard to recover from my experiences. I’ve done just about everything there is to do starting with visits to a psychiatrist and a counselor, spending time in the hospital, and taking all sorts of anti-depressants and other medications. When those things didn’t work, I then turned to “alternative means” by first finding a church, then participating in a 12-step program and various support groups, reading books relating to my problems, delving into bible studies, and taking time each day to pray.

Finally, in 2005, I determined I was healed and started the Fatherhood Forever Foundation to help others find hope and healing as I had. Since then I’ve met so many wonderful people in pro-life and post-abortive ministries. I’ve had the privilege of helping others on their path to healing. I’ve been honored to share my story before groups of pro-lifers, churches, youth and the general public.

In February of 2006, I had the opportunity to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat. I attended the retreat on the basis that I would learn more about this ministry listed in our Men’s Healing Network and to see if it was something I’d be interested in helping with. My sole purpose for attending was to conduct “research”. Little did I realize what I had gotten myself in to.

When I arrived at the retreat, I put on a big smile and acted as though I had no concerns about what would happen during the weekend. I’ll admit I was a bit nervous, but couldn’t put my finger on the reason why. I was relieved to discover I wasn’t the only guy that would be attending. The retreat location was absolutely beautiful and I was soon at ease with the whole idea of spending the weekend there. That is until the retreat officially started.

Within minutes of starting, I found myself putting up barriers. I became stone-faced and sat with my arms crossed in defiance, attempting to resist any emotion the staff might be trying to pull from me. “I’m already healed”, I thought to myself. “There’s nothing they can do or say to make me think otherwise.” My pride got the best of me to the point that I felt compelled to express my “discomfort” with one of the staff members during a break. Her simple words of comfort and understanding quickly put me at ease. When I went to bed that night, I told myself that although I was going to be strong, I would at least be more open tomorrow.

And then tomorrow arrived. So much for strong. I came to realize that I still had a great deal of unresolved anger toward the mother of my child, who I thought I had forgiven, and guilt for not being able to prevent the abortion. But my emotional breaking point was when I discovered I still had sorrow and despair buried deep within my heart. I hadn’t cried that hard since the day I lost my child. I cried not only for the loss of my child, but for having fooled myself into believing I was healed. I was angry and ashamed with myself.

It was at my weakest point of the weekend that nothing short of a miracle occurred. I was suddenly overcome with a sense of peace that I had only experienced once before in my life. I embraced these emotions and let all my pain and anger go. For the first time ever, I was able to see clearly and know that I had reason to be happy rather than mourn. I was able to put to rest all those thoughts and feelings that were holding me back from being the person I was meant to be. My eyes were fully opened.

Since the retreat, I’ve had new revelations and convictions that have paved the way for a brighter future. I’ve discovered truths I had been blind to in the past which have raised me up in faith and hope. February has always been a difficult month for me, but this year instead of grieving over my loss, I rejoiced in what I had gained.

If you are post-abortive, I wholeheartedly encourage you to attend a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. There’s so much to be gained from it. If you work in ministry, I encourage you to lead those in need of healing to a retreat. Coming from someone who’s done everything possible to find healing, Rachel’s Vineyard retreats are by far the most significant and profound resources available. You can contact Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries at www.RachelsVineyard.org or by calling 877-HOPE-4-ME.

Go back to Articles...